How to Handle a Confrontational Colleague (Without Making It Worse)

Most people who have a confrontational colleague go through the same cycle: they tolerate the behaviour longer than they should, then either explode in response or escalate to a manager feeling like they have failed to handle it themselves. Neither outcome is satisfying, and neither tends to produce lasting change.

The reality is that confrontational behaviour in the workplace is common. A 2022 Myers-Briggs global research report found that 36% of workers experience workplace conflict often, very often, or all the time. Research from the Centre for Creative Leadership consistently shows that difficult colleagues hurt their work groups in measurable ways, reducing productivity, lowering morale, and increasing the desire of other team members to leave. Ignoring the problem rarely makes it smaller.

The good news is that how you handle a confrontational colleague is largely within your control, even when their behaviour is not.

What Is Actually Driving the Behaviour

Before any response, it is worth asking what might be driving the confrontational dynamic. Not to excuse it, but because understanding the likely cause changes how you approach it.

Research on difficult workplace behaviour points to a consistent pattern: what looks like aggression or hostility is often driven by stress, insecurity, unclear expectations, or a belief that they are being threatened or undermined. People who interrupt constantly, dismiss ideas, or escalate minor disagreements are often not attacking you personally. They are responding to pressures you may not be aware of.

This does not mean their behaviour is acceptable. It means that approaching the conversation with some curiosity about their perspective, rather than pure confrontation, tends to produce better outcomes. Research on empathy in workplace conflict shows that assuming malicious intent is one of the most common errors people make with difficult colleagues, and one of the most reliably counterproductive.

Step 1: Address It Directly Before It Escalates

The most common mistake when dealing with a confrontational colleague is waiting too long. Avoidance rarely reduces the problem. It usually entrenches it, because unaddressed behaviour communicates to the other person that it is acceptable.

If a colleague's behaviour is affecting your ability to do your work or is making the environment uncomfortable, the most effective first step is to address it with them directly, privately, and calmly. Research on confronting difficult workplace behaviour shows that talking directly to the person produces better outcomes than going immediately to a manager, and tends to preserve the working relationship more effectively.

Choose a moment when you are not emotionally activated and when they are not in the middle of something stressful. "Can I have five minutes with you at some point today?" is a lower-stakes opening than ambushing them at their desk.

Step 2: Speak From Your Experience, Not a Verdict About Them

The framing of the conversation matters more than most people expect. Research on productive conflict conversations consistently shows that language focused on observable behaviour and its impact is far more effective than language that sounds like a character judgment.

"When you interrupted me three times in this morning's meeting, I found it hard to make my point and it affected how the rest of the team heard the idea" is specific, behaviour-focused, and describes an impact. "You are always dismissive and aggressive" is a verdict that invites defensiveness rather than reflection.

Prepare what you want to say before the conversation. Research on working memory and anxiety shows that when you are emotionally activated, the cognitive resources you need to speak clearly are temporarily reduced. Thinking through your key sentence in advance, even saying it out loud to yourself beforehand, means you are not constructing it under pressure.

Step 3: Set a Clear Expectation and Hold It

After describing the behaviour and its impact, make a clear, simple request. "I would like us to let each other finish before responding in meetings" or "If you have a concern about my work, I would prefer you raise it with me directly rather than in front of the team." This is not a demand. It is a professional expectation.

Research on boundary-setting with difficult colleagues shows that clarity is a gift to both parties. It removes ambiguity about what you are asking for and gives the other person a concrete thing to respond to. It also means that if the behaviour continues after the conversation, you have a clear record of having raised it.

If they dismiss or challenge your request, you can say: "I hear you. I still need us to work differently going forward." You do not need to resolve the disagreement in one conversation. You need to have said it clearly.

When to Escalate

Not every confrontational colleague situation can be resolved through direct conversation. If the behaviour constitutes bullying, harassment, or something that is having a serious effect on your work or wellbeing, escalating to a manager or HR is appropriate.

Research on difficult workplace dynamics shows that leaders who consistently address difficult behaviour produce better team outcomes than those who avoid it. If your manager is not aware that there is a problem, they cannot address it. Escalating is not a failure of your own ability to handle the situation. It is an appropriate use of the structures that exist.

When you do escalate, document the specific incidents with dates and descriptions, and make clear that you have already attempted to address it directly.

The Conversation You Are Avoiding Is Usually Easier Than You Expect

The anticipation of confrontation with a confrontational colleague is almost always worse than the reality. Most people, when addressed calmly and specifically by a colleague, do not respond with escalation. They respond with acknowledgement, even if it takes a moment.

The preparation that matters most is simple: know what you want to say, say it from your own experience rather than a verdict about them, and say it before the situation has gone on long enough to make the conversation feel impossible.